Joke Of The Day
Archives
The Pirate
A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey,
I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What
about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well,"
said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball,
but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but
what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
The pirate
explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a
sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine,
really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said
the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I
looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."
"You're kidding,"
said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."
"It was my first day with the hook." 
Hypnotism at the Senior Center
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center . Claude
the hypnotist
exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you all into a trance - I
intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'
The
excitement was almost electric as Claude
withdrew a beautiful antique
pocket watch from his coat.
The polished
metal gleamed in the light.
Claude the hypnotist said: 'I want you each to keep your eyes
on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'
He began to
swing the watch
gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, 'Watch the watch,
watch the watch, watch the watch .
The crowd became mesmerized
as the watch swayed back and forth,
light shimmering off its
polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying
watch, until, suddenly, it
'SH!T!' said the Hypnotist.
It took 3 days to clean up the Senior Center
Red.......................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange ...............Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!
The Love Dress
A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's
house. She
knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see
her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was
playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you
doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Justin to come home from
work" The daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the
mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the
daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Justin
loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "Every time he sees me in
this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.
The
mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on
her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on
the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came
home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What
are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she
whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said, "What's for
dinner?" ◄----DOH!!
The Football Game
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the
old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over
and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's
fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says
Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man
lets
another one go and says,
"Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be
outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
"Touchdown, tie
score."
Five
seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
"Field
goal,
I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.
He
refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since
defeat is
totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got,
and
accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was
that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides.
Bedtime
Prayers
A father put
his 3-year-old daughter to bed, told her a
story, and
listened to her prayers which she ended by
saying:
'God
bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and God bless
Grandma and good-bye Grandpa.'
The
father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye grandpa?'
The little
girl
said, 'I don't know daddy,
it just seemed like the thing to
do.'
The
next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a
strange
coincidence.
A
few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to
her
prayers
which went like this:
'God bless Mommy, God Bless
Daddy and
good-bye Grandma.'
The next day the grandmother died.
Oh my gosh,
thought the father,
this kid is in contact with the other
side!
Several
weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard
her
say: 'God
bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy.'
He practically went
into shock.
He
couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go
to
his
office.He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched
the
clock.He figured if he could get by until midnight he would
be
okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the
end
of
the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his
watch
and
jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived,
he breathed a
sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said
'I've
never seen you work so late,
what's the
matter?'
He said 'I
don't want to talk about it. I've just spent the worst day of my
life.'
She
said, 'You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened
to me.
This morning the milkman dropped dead on our
porch.' <---DOH!! 
